WVM2007-17
May 28 AGENDA
Calendar to June 7th
by Carolanne Reynolds, Editor
www.WestVan.org

unwinding from Victoria Day long weekend and gearing up for Cmnty Day???

= MAIN ITEMS May 28th Ccl Agenda: Adoption of a whole slew of minutes (mostly about budget): Apr 30, May 7, 9, 11, 14; Collingwood School Morven Parking (alternative proposal); RECOMMENDED GRANTS ~140K (see to whom and for what in Agenda below); 2006 Cultural Capitals of Canada Final Report; Ccl Remuneration Review Task Force, T of Ref; 2007 First Quarter Water Consumption Update; Child Care Services and Public Amenity Contribution Policy comments; lotsa letters
=  Vive le Canada; CULTUREWATCH; Int'l INFObits (Cdn $; Iraq, Israel, Slavery); Calendar to June 7th; Ccl Mtg AGENDA May 28th; John Cleese's Letter to America; Maiku; Quotations

*** VIVE LE CANADA
*  Heritage Society of BC Annual Conference is in NV May 31 to June 3
*  The RoyalTea will be July 28 at Dundarave Park
===  CULTUREWATCH
= Last Night at the Proms Friday May 25th!
= Next newsletter hope to have something on Hamlet at Jericho Arts Ctr and on The Andersen Project at QE.
= Vigilance has to be part of our culture.  A few years ago misuse/loss of funds in DWV's Finance Dept and now just learned $100K gone from WV Otters Club.
===  INTERNATIONAL INFObits  ===
***  CANADIAN DOLLAR
Canada is a trading nation.  The high dollar has a negative impact on our economy.  if you sell to the US with the dollar having gone from 60 cents to 90 cents, you have lost a third of your income.  It pains me somewhat to hear Canadians joyously now going to shop south of the border.  It takes money away from Canadian businesses here affecting employment etc.  It galls me when unions push up wages here and then shop where similar jobs get much lower wages.  This, however, is a small part of the shift underway as a result of globalization.  US biz is coping with jobs going to China (manufacturing) and India (computer industry), Mexico the same as the US maquiladores leave for Asia.  Life is flux.
***  IRAQ
Nir Rosen: The Exodus: An Account of the Iraq Refugee Crisis : The figures are startling, "nearly 2 million Iraqis have fled Iraq for neighboring countries and another 1.9 million Iraqis have been internally displaced amounting to roughly 15% of the Iraqi population abandoning their homes. Meanwhile, since 2003, the United States has only allowed in 466 Iraqis. http://snipurl.com/1l3ou
***  ISRAEL
from 2007 May 13 Guardian Weekly:
= 'Torture' in Israeli jails
Palestinians detained by Israeli forces are routinely tortured and ill-treated, a report published by two Israeli human rights groups, the Centre for the Defence of the Individual and B'Tselem, said. The ill-treatment includes beatings, sensory deprivation and other physical abuse, and contravenes
Israeli and international law, the report says.
= Vanunu faces jail again
The nuclear whistleblower Mordechai Vanunu faces six months in jail after an Israeli court convicted him of contacting foreigners. Mr Vanunu, who spent 11 years of an 18-year jail sentence in solitary confinement for revealing details of the country's atomic programme, was banned from leaving Israel or talking to foreigners on his release in 2004.
***  SLAVERY
All over the world.  Many of you are familiar with the fact the Amerindians along the coast had slaves (usually from other tribes, but there is a book written by an American who was a white slave/captive who lived with the Nootka for a while).  On CBC on the weekend however, was intrigued to hear about the negotiations going on now b/c the Cherokee Nation is organizing its governance and there's a dispute about mbrship.  When the Cherokee left their lands they were black slave owners and took them with them.  Now the dispute is over the blacks (and mixed) who consider themselves part of the Cherokee Nation and the Cherokee Nation saying no.

===  CALENDAR to June 7th  ===  [all at M Hall unless otherwise]

+++  see www.kaymeekcentre.com  +++ or call 913 3634

+++  SILK PURSE  +++ see www.silkpurse.ca
May 22 - June 3, 2007 --  "Journey into Africa"
Africa is a continent with a wide range of ethnic, cultural and linguistic diversity. The underlying theme of this exhibition is the 'journey' because it is precisely this context in which the paintings and portraits were done. The resultant images we think are a testament to the vastness and remoteness and will give the viewer a glimpse of an otherwise 'unexplored art'. All the paintings displayed are works of North Shore and Lower Mainland artists.

+++  FERRY BUILDING GALLERY +++  
May 22 to June 3  =  WV Grad Show 2007
Mixed media works from Grad Students of WV Secondary Schools: Collingwood, Mulgrave, Rockridge, Sentinel, & WV Secondary.
June 5 - 24  =  ART ROCKS = Carole Arnston: paintings, Ian Rowles: stone sculpture
Opening Reception: 6 - 8pm Tuesday June 5
Artists' Talk: 2pm Saturday June 9

+++  WV MEMORIAL LIBRARY +++
+  Main Floor of the Library, May 1 - 31.
ENCHANTING TAIWAN - PHOTOGRAPHS AND CRAFTS
Visit this exhibit of photographs that capture Taiwan's scenery, urban landscape & culture, from its colourful rice paddies and undersea thermal springs to floating lanterns and religious rituals.
Also on display
An exquisite collection of handicrafts made of koji ceramic, mat rush and porcelain, glove puppets, & a delightful set of umbrellas made of oil paper - an exotic embodiment of Hakka craftsmanship.
Sponsored by the Taipei Economic and Cultural Office (TECO).
+ June 1 - 30 +  PHOTOGRAPHY: THE MARVELLOUS IN THE ORDINARY
Opening Reception hosted by the Friends of the Library. Everyone is welcome. 6:30 - 8pm Friday June 1st
From waterfront and architecture to intimate portraits and landscapes, the lenses of five photographers take our everyday world into the extraordinary. Works by Kenneth Dyck, Doris Fiedrich, Gary Hubbs, Katherine Kerr, and Kelly Wharton.
+ READING JAMES JOYCE'S ULYSSES
Join Joe Ronsley for an ongoing reading & discussion of Ulysses. Drop in to any session, 10:30am - 12:30pm in the Peter J. Peters Room. For more info call the Reference Dept. at 925 7405.
Dates: May 29 (tentative), June 5, 19

+++ Sea-to-Sky Highway Improvement Project Open Houses
The Sea-to-Sky Highway Improvement Project invites local residents, businesses, and stakeholders to attend an open house to provide feedback on detailed design features such as gateway signage, lighting, and landscape plans, associated with improvements to the West Vancouver section of the Sea-to-Sky Highway.  The Sea-to-Sky Highway improvements, to be completed in 2009, improve safety, reliability and capacity and will serve population growth and economic development in the corridor as demand increases for resident, visitor travel, and goods movement.  Community feedback can be provided by attending an open house or by accessing consultation materials, including an on-line feedback form which will be available on May 23 -- www.seatoskyimprovements.ca
West Vancouver Open Houses
   Tuesday, May 29th: 6:30 - 8:30 pm; WV Yacht Club Clubhouse, 5854 Marine Drive 
   Tuesday, June 5th: 6:30 - 8:30pm; Christ the Redeemer Church, 599 Keith Road 
For further information please contact:
Sea-to-Sky Highway Improvement Project Office; Ph. 604-775-1104; Fx. 604-775-1144
E-mail: info@seatoskyimprovements.ca; Website: www.seatoskyimprovements.ca

== Sat, May 26th ==
~ 10am - 4pm ~ Arts of a Lifetime Show at Srs' Ctr
~ 10am - 4pm ~ Dundarave Farmers' Market in Dundarave Village (EVERY SATURDAY)
~ 10am - 5pm ~ WV Fire Dept Car Wash at 13th & Bellevue
~ 2pm ~ Lighthouse Park Preservation Society AGM at Library, followed by a guest speaker
~ 5pm ~ Find out what our MLA Ralph Sultan has to say on Shaw (Ch 4) about local issues.
AND FROM OUR ROYAL CANADIAN LEGION:
~ 3:30 - 7pm ~ 'FUN'DRAISER at Branch 60, Memorial Hall, 580-18th Street
Admittance to the Hall will be by donation; Wine and Cheese; Door Prizes
Performing at 4pm will be the lovely *** LINDA JONES *** (She will also perform again after the Auction); then at 5pm our "LIVE" Auction will be started by our famous Auctioneer... John L'Henaff, President of Branch 265
Come and bid on Weekend Getaways, Cases of Wine, Dinner and Theatre Tickets, Jewelry, Spa Package, Pottery, Framed Artwork, and more...
ALSO - 12 PIES !!! Take the pie home OR take aim and toss it at Gerry Vowles, BC/Yukon Provincial President. That in itself will be a treat for some of you!
ALL proceeds will be going to The Weekend to End Breast Cancer
*** Art in the Garden tour on the North Shore ***
== Sun, May 27th ==
~ 7:30 - 10am ~ 10 km Rotary Seawalk Run at Park Royal Village
~ 9am - noon ~ Westie Walk Dog Walk at Lighthouse Park
~ 10am - 2pm ~ Arts of a Lifetime at Srs' Ctr

== Mon, May 28th
~ 10:30am ~ May Mornings - Music! at the Library. The third workshop in this series with Michael Conway Baker.  Registration not required.
~ 11am ~ CEC mtg

== Tues, May 29th
~ 4:30 ~ F&A Cmte
~ 6:30pm ~ Cmnty Dialogue Nbrhd Character and Housing WG -- NOT ON CALENDAR (yet)

== Wed, May 30th ~ 6:30pm ~ Cmnty Ctr Governance WG -- NOT ON CALENDAR yet either

== Thurs, May 31st ==

~ 1pm ~ first performance of Bard on the Beach's season!  The Taming of the Shrew
~ 5pm ~ NSACDI at DNV M Hall

~ 7:30pm ~ WV STREAMKEEPERS: SPECIAL PUBLIC MTG
Speaker: MARK ANGELO, Founder of Rivers Day, Order of Canada
Topic: Rivers of Home
Presentation and time to meet, mingle, and chat.
at St Stephen's, 885 - 22nd Street
See www.streamkeepers.westvan.org or call 628 1123 for more information.

~ 7:30pm ~  AN ENCHANTMENT OF BIRDS: MEMORIES FROM A BIRDER'S LIFE
Join bird aficionado par excellence, Richard Cannings, as he reminisces about encounters with his favourite feathered friends. Richard is a naturalist, biologist, and conservationist who is very involved with helping species-at-risk recovery teams and in developing conservation initiatives for our province. Poster
Thursday, May 31, 7:30 pm, Peter J. Peters Room. Refreshments served by the Friends of the Library.

>>> FREE PUBLIC LECTURES at SFU Harbour Ctr in May (unless otherwise noted) <<<
~ May 30 ~ 6:30-8pm ~~~
Planning for the Second Great City: Why what happens south of the Fraser will determine our future
Venue: SFU Surrey, Central City, Theatre 2600
Admission is free. Reservations are not required. Seating is first-come, first-served.
Gordon Price, Director of the SFU City Program and previously a Vancouver city councillor, may live north of the Fraser in the West End, but he knows the future of the Lower Mainland will be determined more by what happens south of the Fraser. Price will talk about past actions and future visions. His lecture will show how most of the region came to be, what influenced its progress, and what possibilities and trade-offs need to be considered for a more sustainable future. Price will also speculate on what issues will be debated by city councillors to come.  Details: http://www.sfu.ca/city/fpl13popup.htm
~ May 31~ 7-8:30pm ~~~ Building Complete Communities: The Noisette New American City
To reserve: email cs_hc@sfu.ca or call 604.291.5100
Noisette is being restored as a sustainable community -- one based on a triple bottom line: people, planet, and prosperity. The Noisette Company principal John Knott will give an overview of this community's master plan to develop as a diverse, interrelated network of neighbourhoods, parks, retail areas, industrial partners, civic facilities, and connections to surrounding communities. Details: http://www.sfu.ca/city/fpl5popup.htm

== Sat, June 2nd ==  Cmnty= Day Parade and festivities 9 - 4 at Ambleside Park
ALSO in June
Sun June 3 = Caulfeild Days Festival 2 - 5pm to be confirmed at the Caulfeild Village Mall
Thurs June 7 = Design Review Cmte 4:30 - 6:30pm moved from May 24; NSACDI 5 - 7pm at CNV
Fri June 8 = Library Foundation Croquet Tournament  11am - 9pm
MISSING  from the DWV Calendar but I think may be mtg:
        = Tuesdays there's usually an F&A cmte at 4:30
        = Rodgers Crk WG will meet Thurs June 7 probably at 5:30

===  CCL MTG AGENDA Ma= y 28th  ===
 CALL TO ORDER
1.  APPROVAL OF AGENDA
2. ADOPTION OF MINUTES
April 30, 2007 Special Regular Council Meeting; May 07, 2007 Regular Council Meeting; May 09, 2007 Special Regular Council Meeting; May 11, 2007 Special Regular Council Meeting; May 14, 2007 Committee of the Whole; and May 14, 2007 Special Regular Council Meeting.
REPORTS
3.         Alternative Motion - Collingwood School - Morven Parking (File:  1800?01)
            1.         The alternative proposal for addressing the Collingwood School (Morven) number of students / parking issue described in the report dated May 18, 2007 from the Community Planner, be considered on June 18, 2007.
            2.         Staff send the alternative proposal outlined in this report to neighbours living within 200 metres of the Morven campus for review and comment; and
            3.         Collingwood School be requested to hold a neighbourhood information meeting on the details of the alternative proposal prior to June 18, 2007 at the Morven campus.  Notification will be sent by Collingwood School to all neighbours within 200 metres of the school.

4.         Arts and Culture Grant Recommendations 2007
RECOMMENDED: THAT the Arts and Culture Working Group recommendations for Arts and Culture Grants, be approved as follows:

British Columbia Boy's Choir                                                               2,000
Summer Pops Orchestra                                                                      1,250
West Vancouver Youth Band Society                                                  5,000
Ambleside Orchestra                                                                                500
North Shore Chorus Society                                                                    500
North Shore Light Opera Society                                                         2,000
O'Shihan Cultural Organization                                                               500
Theatre West Van                                                                                  2,250
West Vancouver Adult Community Band Association                          500
West Vancouver Adult Concert Band                                                     500
Hollyburn Heritage Society                                                                       750
North Shore Heritage Preservations Society                                         500
West Vancouver Fire Services Museum and Archives                        500
British Columbia Photography and Media Arts Society                    3,000
Chor Leoni Men's Choir                                                                           500
Laudate Singers Society                                                                          500
Pacific Baroque Orchestra                                                                   1,500
Pandora's Vox                                                                                       2,000
Presentation House Cultural Society/Theatre                                     1,000
Sinfonia Orchestra of the North Shore                                                 3,000
Deep Cove Chamber Soloists Society                                                  500
West Vancouver Historical Society                                                     1,000
Melange Chamber Ensemble                                                                  500
North Shore Chamber Music Society                                                  1,000
North Shore Film Festival of Life                                                          1,000
 
[My calculation is $32,250 but it's missing from the agenda copy and pasted from the DWV website.]
 
5.         Grant Recommendations:  Social Service/Community Services
- 1.  RECOMMENDED: THAT the Social Services Grants as recommended by the Community Grants/Social Services Review Working Group (CGSSWG) be approved as follows: Social Services Grants Recommended:

Autism Society of BC    1,500
Big Sisters of BC Lower Mainland        500
BC Paraplegic Association       500
BC Schizophrenia Society, North Shore Branch    1,500
Canadian Hard of Hearing Association    600
Canadian Mental Health Association      2,000
Canadian Red Cross Society      750
Capilano Community Services Society     1,250
Crisis Intervention & Suicide Prevention Centre of BC   1,000
Family Services of the North Shore      14,500
Friend 2 Friend Social Learning Society 750
Harvest Project 2,500
Lionsview Seniors' Planning Society - Seniors' Coalition        1,100
Lionsview Seniors' Planning Society     2,000
Living Systems Society  500
Lookout North Shore Emergency Aid Shelter       3,000
NS Association for the Mentally Handicapped     1,000
NS Community Resources Society  11,050
NS Crisis Services Society      10,500
NS Disability Resource Centre  = ;         1,400
NS Keep Well Society    1,000
NS Meals on Wheels Society      700
NS Multicultural Society        1,500
NS Neighbourhood House  4,750
NS Project Society for Low Income and Handicapped       5,000
NS Stroke Recovery Centre       1,250
NS Volunteers for Seniors       3,000
NS Women's Centre               1,500
West Vancouver Adult Day Centre 500
West Coast Alternatives Society`        5,000
West Vancouver Family Place Society     2,750

Total Social Services Grants  $84,850
2007 Approved Budget    $82,500 Shortfall   ($2,350)
 
- 2.  RECOMMENDED: THAT the Community Services Grants as recommended by the Community Grants/Social Services Review Working Group be approved as follows: Community Services Grants  Recommended:

BC Special Olympics - BC Games  2,000
BC Special Olympics - North Shore       800
Coho Society - Operating Grant       5,000
Coho Society - Bus Transportation       1,250
NS Safety Council       1,000
NS Lifeboat Society             1,500
NS Lifeboat Society - Crew Safety Equipment     750
Third West Vancouver Scout Group - Property Tax 500
West Vancouver Track & Field Club       2,000
525 Pathfinder Squadron (Air Cadet League of Canada)    900

Total Community Services Grants $15,700
2007 Approved Budget    $20,000 Surplus $4,300
 
- 3.         RECOMMENDED:
                        THAT the shortfall of $2,350 in the Social Services Grants is offset by the surplus of $4,300 in the Community Services Grants, with the balance of $1,950 remaining unallocated.
 
6.         Development Variance Permit Application No. 07?005 (3656 McKechnie Avenue)      
(This item was deferred from the May 07 Council Meeting) .....has been withdrawn at the applicant's request.
7.         2006 Cultural Capitals of Canada Final Report
...report dated May 2007 from the Manager of Cultural Services ... be received.
 8.        = ; Council Remuneration Review Task Force - Terms of Reference
            1.         The Council Remuneration Review Task Force Terms of Reference be approved;
            2.         The following citizens be appointed to the Task Force:  Bob Gayton, Marilyn Duggan, Tracey Balogh, and Cecile Caer.
 9.        = ; 2007 First Quarter Water Consumption Update
(This item was deferred from the May 14) Council Meeting.)  RECOMMENDED:..be received.
 10.      = ; Comments from the Child Care Services Working Group on the Draft Public Amenity Contribution Policy ... be received for information. 
BYLAW for ADOPTION --Bylaws are passed by a simple majority affirmative vote unless otherwise noted. 
11.       Noise Control Bylaw No. 4404, 2005, Amendment Bylaw No. 4500, 2007
            This bylaw received third reading at the May 14, 2007 Council Meeting.
12. CONSENT AGENDA ITEMS - Reports and Correspondence
The following Consent Agenda items may be considered separately or in one recommendation.
=B7        Item 13 -  West Vancouver Solid Waste Utility - Information Update & North Shore Recycling Program - 2006 Annual Report
=B7        Item 14 -  Correspondence List.
REPORTS FOR CONSENT AGENDA
13.       West Vancouver Solid Waste Utility - Information Update & North Shore Recycling Program - 2006 Annual Report ... received for information purposes.
CORRESPONDENCE LIST FOR CONSENT AGENDA
14.       Correspondence List (File:  0120?24) for receipt
Correspondence received up to May 11, 2007 and previously distributed to Council on May 17, 2007 (with exceptions for time sensitive items).
Requests for Delegation -- No items presented.
Action Required
(1)       J. Sikes, May 11, 2007, regarding Community Centre Reporting by Staff (File: 3002?04?06)
Referred to the Director of Parks & Community Services for consideration and response.
No Action Required (receipt only)
(2)       P. Fassbender, Mayor - City of Langley, April 24, 2007, regarding Municipal Metal Recycling Working Group
(3)       Form Letters (3) regarding Ambleside Town Centre Strategy (File: 2520-01)
(4)       K. Cameron, CEO - Homeowner Protection Office, May 02, 2007, regarding Green Roofs and Homeowner Protection in British Columbia Conference (File: 0055-01)
(5)       Emails (3) regarding Squamish Nation Billboards (File: 0166-02-01)
(6)       Emails (3) regarding Vera's Burgers - Dundarave Park Concession (File: 0885?01)
(7)       K. Vance, Senior Policy Advisor - Union of British Columbia Municipalities, May 07, 2007, regarding RCMP Contract Issues (File: 0055?20?UBCM1/ 0160?20?RCMP1)
(8)       B. Binnie, President - Union of British Columbia Municipalities, May 07, 2007, regarding 2007 West Nile Risk Reduction Funding Now Available - Deadline May 15, 2007 (File: 0055?20?UBCM1)
(9)       Union of British Columbia Municipalities Executive and First Nations Summit Task Group, May 08, 2007, regarding Funding Now Available for 2007/2008 Program (First Nations and Regional Community to Community Forum)
(10)     Capilano Community Services Society, Undated, 2007, regarding Invitation to Attend: Annual General Meeting - May 22, 2007
Responses to Correspondence -- No items presented.
Responses to Questions in Question Period -- No items presented.
Correspondence received up to May 18, 2007 and previously distributed to Council on May 24, 2007 (with exceptions for time sensitive items).
Requests for Delegation -- No items presented.
Action Required
(11)     May 09, 2007, regarding Metered Water Charges (File: 0835?04)
Referred to the Director of Engineering and Transportation for consideration and response.
(12)     R. Taylor, Executive Director and K. Vance, Senior Policy Advisor - Union of British Columbia Municipalities, May 15, 2007, regarding Local Government Consultation: Building Regulatory System
Referred to the Director of Planning, Lands & Permits for consideration and response.
(13)     May 16, 2007, regarding Through Road Access from 2236 - 2396 Folkestone Way - Traffic Safety Issue
Referred to the Director of Engineering and Transportation for consideration and response.
No Action Required (receipt only)
(14)     Committee and Board Meeting Minutes
   (a)       Board of Variance - March 21, 2007 (File: 2310-02)
   (b)       Board of Variance - April 18, 2007 (File: 2310-02)
   (c)       North Shore Advisory Committee on Disability Issues - March 29, 2007 (File: 0180?18)
   (d)       Design Review Committee - April 05, 2007 (File: 0116?20?DRC)
   (e)       Community Engagement Committee - April 23, 2007          (File: 0116?20?CEC)
(15)     Emails (6) regarding Squamish Nation Billboards (File: 0166-02-01)
(16)     May 08, 2007, regarding Billboards and Vera's Hamburger Stand (Dundarave Concession)
(17)     S. Haynes, Certified Dental Assistants of BC, May 07, regarding Update - Status of Certified Dental Assistants
(18)     C. Gauthier, Executive Director, Downtown Vancouver Business Improvement Association, May 15, 2007, regarding Invitation to Attend: Downtown Vancouver Business Improvement Association (DVBIA) Annual Appreciation Award Luncheon on June 14, 2007
(19)     Undated, 2007, regarding Ambleside Town Centre Strategy (File: 2520?01)
(20)     C. Lee, Corporate Secretary, TransLink Greater Vancouver Transportation Authority, May 18, 2007, regarding Proposed 2007 MRN Minor Capital Program - 2nd Wave Projects
(21)     May 16, 2007, regarding Fiscal Budget 2007
(22)     B. Lamoureux, Lamoureux Architect Incorporated, May 16, 2007, regarding Notice of Withdrawal of Development Variance Application for 3656 McKechnie Avenue
Responses to Correspondence
(23)     S. Jenkins, Environmental Coordinator, May 10, 2007, reply to L. Byrd, Corresponding Secretary, Western Residents' Association regarding Larson Creek Pollution
Responses to Questions in Question Period -- No items presented.
15.  REPORTS: MAYOR/COUNCILLORS / 16.&nbs= p; PUBLIC QUESTIONS/COMMENTS / 17.  ADJOURNMENT

=== JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA ===
[saw this after election in 2004 but someone sent it again so thought I'd pass it on even before July 1st and 4th -- and of course have to do it before June 27 this year]
To the citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of  your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A  questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford  English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium", and check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same  twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and an inefficient form of communication.
5.There is no such thing as " US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day".
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling  potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".  American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football". There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all  monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.

=== MAIKU ===  [2007 M= ay 20/21]
                        busy birds chirp and chatter
                                as the morning sun
                                        creeps through the window

=== QUOTATION ===
Pablo Picasso
el arte sacude del alma el polvo acumulado en la vida diaria
art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life